


Xeno's Paradox

by dark_pookha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, F/M, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 09:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7527196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_pookha/pseuds/dark_pookha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xenophilius Lovegood has 'The Talk' with Luna, or at least he attempts to...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Xeno's Paradox

“Luna, dear, could you please come out here?  We need to talk,” Xenophilius Lovegood shouted into the closed door of Luna’s bedroom.  Xenophilius’ nerves were showing in his slightly shaking hands.  “ _I hope it’s the right time for this and that I haven’t waited too long,”_ he thought to himself.  “ _The way she talks about how she argues with that Weasley boy, that’s how I used to argue with her Mum.  But if I don’t talk with her about this now, it might be too late.”_  
  
   
  
            The door opened just a second before he lost his nerve,  and Xenophilius could see his daughter laying on the bed, head leaning over one edge, reading a slim pamphlet entitled “How to Tell if Your Cat is really a Kneazle in Disguise”.  She was just tucking her wand back behind her ear when Xenophilius entered the room.  She looked at him curiously, “Yes, Daddy? What do you need?”  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius sat down on the bed next to his reclining daughter.  “Honey, you’re getting older and it’s time you learned some facts about boys,” Xenophilius stated nervously.  
  
   
  
            Luna sat up quickly, eyes glowing with curiosity, “Is this going to be the talk about sex?”  
  
   
  
            “Umm, yeah, Luna, that’s what I came here for.  I—I wanted to, uhhh…” Xenophilius stumbled.  
  
   
  
            “You wanted to teach me all about the mechanics of sex and how to protect myself against pregnancy and disease?”  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius looked at her even more nervously now, “Yeah, sure.”  
  
   
  
            Luna rolled her eyes at him, “Oh, Daddy, do you really think I could read so much about animals and magical creatures and not know about the mechanics of sex?  I know that when a boy loves a girl very much that he gets-”   
  
   
  
            Xenophilius interrupted her, “You know all about the mechanics already?  Have those people at Hogwarts been teaching this without Ministry approval?  I knew we couldn’t trust this new regime.   Don’t believe everything they tell you.”  
  
   
  
            “Daddy, I am sixteen and I read a lot.  I even know how to protect myself against pregnancy and disease.  Would you like me to show you a prophylactic charm or an anti-disease charm?  I assure you, Daddy, that I won’t get pregnant or get scrofulitic pygalgia from fooling around with boys.”  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius was getting progressively redder in the face and more nervous with each passing second.  “Who told you about scrofulitic pygalgia?  Well, maybe I can tell you about some of the tricks that boys will use to get sex.  They might tell you that if they don’t have sex that certain parts of them will fall off or explode.”  
  
   
  
            Luna spoke up, laughing, “That’s just silly.  Monks don’t explode, and they don’t have sex.  I would never buy it if a boy told me that.”  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius spoke again, “A boy might try telling you that you’re the prettiest girl he’s ever seen and that he’s going to be there forever for you, just to get you to have sex, then he would forget about you.  I guess what I’m saying is that you should watch out for boys, they lie.”  
  
   
  
            “Daddy, I don’t think you need to worry about me right now.  I don’t have a boyfriend.  All the guys at school seem a little freaked by me.  Everyone there thinks I’m strange.  I’m more likely to find a Crumple Horned-Snorkack at Hogwarts than a boyfriend.”  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius pointed to the murals of Luna’s friends that she was painting on her walls.  “Do those people think you’re strange too?  You’ve got friends there, and one of them might bloom into something more.  I just want you to be careful.  If you do decide to start having sex, think carefully about it, make sure it’s the right decision for you.  Don’t let any boy pressure you into something you don’t want to do.”  
  
   
  
            “Also, be careful when you go to an event with mixed boys and girls.  Never leave your drink unattended, some boy might drop a love potion into it.  Don’t ever kiss a boy with red hair, he might be an agent of Heliopaths.  I especially don’t trust that Weasley boy that you’ve told me about.”  
  
   
  
            “Ron’s just rude, Daddy, not evil.  Oh Daddy, I promise that I won’t let any boy talk me into doing anything I don’t want to.  I swear on Mum’s grave that I won’t,” Luna said, crossing her heart with her hand.  
  
   
  
            Xenophilius got up and left the room, trailing embarrassment behind him like cheap cologne.  
  
   
  
            Luna thought to herself mischievously as she reclined on the bed again, “ _Good thing I didn’t make any promises about men.  Harry and I will  both be of age next year.”_

**Author's Note:**

> My very first fanfic from all those years ago. It shows, but I still think it's funny.


End file.
